Did You Spill My Pint?
Our Guide to Swindon's Ardest Pubz
The jovial publican behind the bar; the fine ales; the friendly atmosphere - it's what makes Britain great.
But what of the pubs that are so proud of their 'localness' that non-locals fear to disrupt their unity. Where well'ard dogs roam free, chairs are bolted to the floor and the light is so dim there are never eyewitnesses.
In other words, a 'hard' pub. A place where ordering a Babysham comes second to sticking your fingers in the fire given the choice.
So grab your biggest mate, dust off your blingwear and beanie, lock your daughters away and join us on a tour of Swindonz Ardest Pubz. These are the very local locals that survived the IKEA makeover massacres of the turn of the century and would stand united against any threat of a chain takeover or a James Blunt track on the jukebox.
Who needs Donal McIntyre
Feeling particularly brave (or stupid) we went on a crawl of these no-nonsense pubs, each recommended by our well'ard advisor Barry - a true expert in such matters.
Naturally, we took the dirtiest SwindonWeb mini as a getaway car. And here they are ladies and gentlemen, our top five Swindonz Ardest Pubz.
5. The Bulldog
Despite its proximity to New College, you don't see too many students at the Bulldog.
It's got all the assets a student would welcome - pool table, reasonably priced drinks, jukebox and games - but there's something ever so slightly intimidating about the Bulldog, other than its well'ard, well patriotic name. Parking the Swindonwebmobile in the large car park between an M plate transit with bald tyres and a black SUV with tax disc several months out of date, we approached with some caution. First impressions were certainly promising - a boarded up window, slightly dim lighting and a well'ard, well massive Alsatian on guard, showing blatant disregard to the 'No Dogs' sign (but who's going to tell him?).
Musically too, it was spot-on, with Monkey Wrench by the Foo Fighters blasting from the speakers - a song with 'Fight' and 'Wrench' in its title. Have it!
The pool table was also heavily guarded by locals in white tracksuits. It would take a brave man of a less sober disposition to put a 50p on that table!
The 'residents' at the bar though weren't quite as threatening as we had hoped and the 'stare factor' upon our entry disappointingly low.
Yes, there was a heavily tattooed man with a foul mouth at the bar, but he was doing the Swindon Advertiser crossword. Marks lost there, I'm afraid. How they ranked: Stare factor: 1 'Ardness of locals: 3 'Ardness of music: 8 'Ardness of public notices: 5 Well'ard dog?: 9 State of the toilets (rougher the tougher): 2 Bloke/bird ratio: (eg. 80% man = 8/10)6 Pool table intimidation 8 Pride 5 Bonus- 5 (kids)
What's more, the bar staff were polite, even responding calmly when we ordered a Babysham and happily serving us a Blue Raspberry Panda Pop as an alternative.
The kid count was also particularly high, with youngsters wandering about hand-in-hand. These were the locals of tomorrow following in the footsteps of their elders, proud to be Bulldogs. Not particularly 'ard though.
4. The County Ground Hotel
The County Ground comes with prime well'ard credentials: it's a footy pub and therefore rings with match-day history. And one step inside shows that there's no shortage of that vital ingredient to any self-respecting tough pub: pride.
It's Swindon through and through, with memorabilia, team photos and Town spirit. Plus a documentary about Big Al Shearer on the tele scored extra muscle marks. And it wasn't just footy memorabilia that lined the no-nonsense walls. Tits from the day's Page 3 hung from the bar clearly gauging the local taste, while a blackboard on the far wall proudly boasted 'THIS FRIDAY - PIG RACES.' Get in!
These first impressions were boosted further by a high stare factor led by the 'ardest of well'ard dogs looking us right in the eye, licking its lips as we waited at the bar. One foot out of line and we were dog food. But the County Ground let itself down slightly upon more scrupulous testing.
Our mandatory Babysham order was surprisingly satisfied by the friendly barmaid without a second glance. Then straight to the completely unintimidating pool table only to be greeted by a friendly commentary from a bowler hat-wearing local who could well have been Pete Doherty's old man. "Lovely shot," he told me at one point, without irony.
How they ranked: Stare factor: 6 'Ardness of locals: 6 'Ardness of music: 7 'Ardness of public notices: 8 Well'ard dog?: 10 State of the toilets (rougher the tougher): 9 Bloke/bird ratio: (eg. 80% man = 8/10) 8 Pool table intimidation 1 Pride 10 Bonus- 10 (Pink soap!) Then the big test: the state of the gents - the rougher the tougher.
Then the big test: the state of the gents - the rougher the tougher.
First glance it was scoring highly, with a mucky cistern and grubby walls. But it only takes one slip to compromise everything 'ard that's gone before, and that came in the form of a pink bar of soap! That's it County Ground, you're barred. Ten points deducted!
3. The Shield & Dagger
Ah, a pub named after war - the Shield & Dagger means business! And with one online review stating simply "very, very scary", this looked like one not to be messed with.
With the choice between the Rodbourne Lounge or the Games Room, we opted for the latter, to be greeted by the respectable but hardly macho sounds of 'Stand By Me' by Oasis. After ordering pints (sorry, no Babysham), we headed straight for the slightly imposing pool table. Surrounded by darts trophies, team photos and even St George flags, the Shield & Dagger games room is brimming with sporting pride. The darts board was surrounded not by tattooed beer guts, but lean athletes who looked prepared for war with their mini spears. Whilst not openly hostile, the Shield & Dagger is a competitive pub - hell, they even compete for meat, with a sign advertising 'MEAT RAFFLE, FRIDAY AT 10.30.' How they ranked: Stare factor: 5 'Ardness of locals: 7 'Ardness of music: 5 'Ardness of public notices: 9 Well'ard dog?: 0 State of the toilets (rougher the tougher): 9 Bloke/bird ratio: (eg. 80% man = 8/10) 8 Pool table intimidation 6 Pride 10 Bonus5 (spider plants - nice touch!)
Further extra marks are picked up for the well'ard toilet, with the urinal so close to the door that you could reach it from the bar (and who's to bet certain locals don't after particularly heavy sessions?).
Overall, the Shield & Dagger is armed, but not quite as dangerous as its name suggests.
2. The Duke of Edinburgh
And so to Gorse Hill's 'ardest, the Duke. This was the third pub on the crawl, and although not yet actually crawling, our confidence to test the mettle of these supposedly 'ard pubs was increasing, as were the nerves of our getaway driver.
"Leave the notepad in the car, for God's sake," he commanded, as he reversed the Webmobile into the less than inviting car park, angling it for a frantic exit. You know you're onto a winner when the car park alone strikes fear into the non-locals. The high truck count indicated a strong 'Contractor Factor', cemented by a less than friendly 'WARNING: NO DUMPING' sign. So far so 'ard.
One step inside and our hearts immediately warmed to the feel of patriotism, as we were greeted by a large flag of St George. The Duke also scored highly on stare factor, with contractors thoroughly surveying us on the way in, and others guarding the pool table, without actually playing.
But what's that on the tele? 'Location, Location'… pah! And surely that sound isn't… yes it is… 'Lady in bloody Red'. And no sign of an override by the bar staff. Although to their credit, as soon as they realise the error of their ways, 'Location, Location' is changed for the conclusion of the Big Al documentary. More like it. The Duke is redeemed further by far and away the public notice of the night, with one sign behind the bar plainly stating: "WE DO NOT ACCEPT FORGED BANK NOTES" - a policy no doubt controversial with many locals.
How they ranked:
Stare factor: 8
'Ardness of locals: 8 'Ardness of music: 1 'Ardness of public notices: 10 Well'ard dog?: 0 State of the toilets (rougher the tougher): 6 Bloke/bird ratio: (eg. 80% man = 8/10) 9 Pool table intimidation 8 Pride 7 Bonus 9 (Contractor Factor)
The fact that I'm not writing this from a hospital bed shows the reaction was somewhat disappointing. In fact I definitely noticed foot tapping to Busted (aside from the pitter-patter of our feet as we made our quick exit).
1. The Deers Leap
And so, with our sobriety far behind us but our limbs still in tact, we come to Swindonz Ardest Pub, as voted for by, well, us (and one guest Adver reporter who wishes to remain anonymous for her own safety).
Despite an armed attack by the Shield & Dagger, and even a late rear threat from the Mailcoach (which narrowly missed out on the list!), the Deers Leap hurdles over the competition to take the coveted title by force. More than any other on the list, this pub has real attitude. As we tentatively stepped over a nasty bit of leakage in the car park and through the front entrance, 'I Predict a Riot' rather portentously roared from the jukebox. And it looked as though the Kaiser Chiefs weren't alone, with gruff locals and even well'ard dogs upping the stare factor off the scale. If we weren't on such an important mission, we'd have been stared all the way out the exit before we could say, "Mine's a Babysham". Instead we retreated to a far corner, kept a low profile and cringed as our getaway driver ordered a Tomato Juice.
Other than pure, unadulterated attitude, where the Leap scores the most muscle marks is Pride; mainly of its football team. This is a pub that displays its team strip in a large frame above the pool table, surrounded by trophies and team photos. And this is an area so heavily policed by hoody, beanie hat, tracksuit and bling wearing locals that it would take a braver team of undercover reporters than us to put a 50p down on either of the pool tables. How they ranked: Stare factor: 10 'Ardness of locals: 9 'Ardness of music: 10 'Ardness of public notices: 5 Well'ard dog?: 8 State of the toilets (rougher the tougher): 8 Bloke/bird ratio: (eg. 80% man = 8/10) 8 Pool table intimidation 9 Pride 10 Bonus- 5 (cuddly deer!)
Yet every double 'ard bastard has his vulnerable side and the Deers Leap's lies in its name. A stuffed stag's head above the bar I would understand, but a couple of big, sissy cuddly deer in a glass cabinet? Lost marks, there, I'm afraid.
Having said that, at least the fact that Rudolph and friend were bolted in a high security cell indicates that even the furry mascots at the Deers Leap are well'ard! With that we photographed the evidence, put a pound in the jukebox, selected 'Hello' by Lionel Richie and some nondescript McFly track as a prize offering, and got the hell out of there.
So there you are. Swindon's 'ardest pubs, SwindonWeb style.
but do you think you've got an 'arder pub? Think your local could 'ave the Deers Leap and top our list? Then email us via the link below and stake your claim, with the best entries to be printed on the site. Let the inn-fighting begin.... |
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